Minimum Day...

Yesterday was the end of a very long 2nd quarter. It was also minimum day, and the timing couldn't have been better. My kids are tired. I'm tired too. So much so that I find myself speaking slower, and struggling to find my words. We all needed a break, and even though it was only 3 hours, it was really nice.

Each one of my kids had a birthday party to attend. The boys were invited to Game On, a very cool video game place that has enough chairs and monitors for all the boys to play at once. They ate pizza and cake and played to their hearts content. The girls were invited to Bobbi's birthday celebration lunch at Jerry's Hot Dogs and then across the way to Swirlz for frozen yogurt. They played hide-n-seek afterward outside and then, at the suggestion of one of the Dads, they tried to see if they could all pile into the back of Mr. Thompsons' SUV (10 girls sardined in there-it was hilarious!)

For me, this day was a break as well because I got to leave work early! I spent the entire three hours split between the two parties, having a grand time chatting with the boy moms, and then the girl moms. One said to me, "You get the best of both worlds!" Yes, indeed I am doubly blessed.

Blogs of Note...

Every day on Blogspot they have this cool thing called , "Blogs of Note". It is where they spotlight a new blog, sometimes from this country and sometimes from other countries. They each hold a unique and interesting view from where the current author is sitting in life, and, I just love it! It's odd how I don't even know any of these folks, but I can find myself getting pulled into their lives so quickly. Not all, but many, have me even bookmarking their addresses and periodically I will check back to see how they are doing.

Today's blog of note is written by a woman named Jane. Her blog isn't extraodinary as some, but somehow it touched me. Jane has endometrial cancer, and she is an inspiration. It's remarkable how a sudden red light in life can bring the view alongside the road into instant perspective. I loved her "What I let go in 2008 and What I found in 2009" posting. She is fighting a battle, knitting, and growing flowers. Beautiful, beautiful flowers. In her graceful struggle to live, Jane has decided to focus on nurturing the growth of something else, her flowers.

As I was nearing the end of her recent postings, I scrolled down to the bottom and I found a lovely quote, "Our Truest Responsibility To The Irrationality Of The World Is To Paint Or Sing Or Write, For Only In Such Response Do We Find The Truth." This was written by Madeleine L'Engle. I loved the message and knew the authors name instantly. Read one of her books as a child, "A Wrinkle In Time" and my daughter is reading it right now! I can't wait to get home and show her this.

Lauren is my singer, my painter, my writer. I notice when her days are stressful, or filled with a lot of expectation, she will still find time to sit and write or draw, and then, before she knows it, the hectic stuff of the day falls away, and the centered calm comes back into focus. Sometimes it will be bedtime and she'll say, "Please mommy, can I just draw for a little while" or sometimes I will hear her in her room as I walk up to say, "Lights out" and I hear her singing the lovliest song. I step back away from the door and just leave her be. Lauren is only 10, and these creative ventures come easily to her, but I don't want her to dismiss them as childplay. They are wonderful exercises in maintaining balance during imbalanced times. She migrated to these on her own, and I really want her to continue with them throughout her life.

When life gets hard, and it always does, we need creative outlets. For me, writing my blog, is so cathartic. I do it for the pure pleasure of it, but still am delightfully suprised when I hear, "I love your blog!". Some day Lauren will hear those words too and I want her to know everything we do touches someone, even if sometimes it is simply ourselves. The important thing is the "doing" of it all. Jane's words of inspiration she wrote for herself, and by association, I found she wrote them for me as well. We must all just do something, for ourselves, and for each other.

If you'd like to check out Jane's blog she is at http://www.notplainjane.blogspot.com/

45...

Yesterday was Juan's birthday.  He turned 45.  45?  How is that possible?  I met him when he was 18.   It does seem like a lifetime ago, but is still hard to get my head around the fact we are in our 40's now.  As far as birthday's go, I think this one was pretty good.  He doesn't like celebrations of any kind (dreads all holidays with a passion and even as a child asked for no parties) and most years I do a little something anyway just because I believe everything is a celebration.  This year though, I decided to resist the temptation to make the day how I see it as perfect, and try to give him his vision of a nice day; no cake, no cards, no presents.  I didn't even bring it up at work, and for the first year ever, even the kids didn't make him cards.  I just kept telling myself what he tells me every year, "It's just another day."  Truth be known, we were all taken off the hook, and it wasn't a bad thing.

What we did do was sing Happy Birthday.  Well, actually Lauren entered the bathroom as Daddy was shaving, dancing the Can-Can and singing the birthday song to him. Niko waited until later to share his version of the song in a hilarious high-pitched Bee-Gee's version.  Of course, we were out to dinner at his mother and brother's invitation at the time, and the audience only encourged him more.  We all laughed, enjoyed a delicious meal (at the new El Ranchito in Laguna Niguel) and then the day was over.  All in all, for the first time ever, I think the day went as unceremoniously as possible.  Juan got his wish without even blowing out any candles. I don't have a picture to post--no cameras were another request, but we do all have a warm memory of a nice time spent with loved ones, and we were all reminded , that that is truly what birthdays are really all about. 

Our Nena...

We had the lovely pleasure of spending two whole days recently with one of my great aunts, Nena. Last time we saw her was two years ago, when we flew to Savannah, Georgia to visit. We always enjoy seeing her and were very excited when she stopped off on her way to move back to our hometown, San Luis Obispo. We both grew up there and just love it. Now she'll be only 4 short hours away too! Hurray! Our time together this time went by much too quickly but we did manage to catch up with each other while in the same room (!) and get in lots of warm hugs as well. We love you Nena and can't wait till April when get to see you next! xoxoxo

I Love You Too...

My kids are in the 4th grade. They are growing up, in spite of all efforts by us to stop them. They are busy with interests of their own, and both are taking that next step to schoolwork where they sit down and do it by themselves without asking for much direction at all. It is that
precious time betweeen the constant hand holding we do while they are kindergarteners and the day coming all too soon where they will look to stand alone. For the time being though, these 4th graders of ours still need us, and they are still okay with that.

My goal has always been to keep my kids close. Not to suffocate or stunt their growth and not to have them need me so much they can't function without me or their daddy. The plan was to be close in a loving and demonstrative way, where hugs and smiles and communication never wain; a love instead that enhances their independence. On a daily basis I am questioning if we are making the right choices, or are we ruining these beautiful little people with our, not always the better responses to the nonsense of the day.

The past two weeks have been hard as you know, mostly because work is not where I want to be. My kids are the people I want to meet the needs of, not customers. I really dig my children.
In fact, I wish I had had more of them. Juan would love another one. I understand why folks have large families --if motherhood is a gig you really love, you don't want the daily joys of it to end.

We don't have more, we have these two and I am going to treasure this time, these tween years. In fact, I have had a heightened awareness of late. Tuesday I dropped Lauren off at dance for her two hour practice. I said, "We're here a little early. You gonna be okay if I leave you with the girls?" She nodded and said, "Sure." "Okay, I'll see you in a bit. Have fun." I turned to leave and my sweet little girl said right in front of all her teammates, "Bye Mommy. I love you"---and then she blew me a kiss! She filled my heart with love. I hope that centered comfort she has in expressing her love never fades. I looked right at her and said, "I love you too angel."

Today, it was my boy angels turn to surprise me. He was shooting hoops out front with his buddy and we were talking about what sports they were considering going out for next year. Flag football and Basketball seemed to be the consensus and I thought they both would be great at either. I started to walk back inside to tidy up the kitchen when I heard the ball bounce twice and then my boy say, "Mom." I looked back and he was standing just about ready to shoot.  My son looked over, smiled at me and said, "I love you." Then, he tossed the ball and scored! I smiled the big smile of a very proud mom and said, "I love you too, son." How lucky am I? 

Some day my kids will read this blog of mine. Some day, decades from now, I will be gone, and they will read this. My job of raising them will be over, for better or worse. They will each have seen my mistakes and my miracles too. Most of all though, I want them to remember my words. To both of you, I love you too. Deeply, I love you two.

Chi'-Lax!

Tmrw, Friday, is the ending of what turned out to be a challenging, very rough start to the new year. Don't know about you all but in the past two weeks I've been yelled at, screamed at, yelled at and screamed at some more, and then yelled at again and hung up on! Of course, this was all at the office thank goodness, and all over the phone. Had any of it been in person I think I might have started crying right then and there.

It's incredible how the weather affects our lives. Here in sunny, mild California, we take the 80 degree temps we had today (in JANUARY!) for granted, so much so in fact, we forget the rest of the country is experiencing bitterly cold ice storms that completley mess with their lives--at least I do, or did, until last week.

We ship things every day to the east coast and last week wasn't any different, until I picked up the phone. It was a rep from one of our biggest clents. He was noticeable aggitated. Said he had been driving around all day trying to locate his package and he was sure we didn't send it as promised. I assured him we had indeed sent it for 8am delivery, and then I tracked it on Fedex. I said, "Your right. It didn't get there. Says it was late arriving due to weather so the driver left without it. We did send it Priority Overnight, it just couldn't get there due to the weather. At this point it is on another truck in New Jersey but it doesn't say when it will get to your office. I could call to see if they have more details..."

Now, it was 5pm his time, he had been driving all day and still had to drive up to Philadelphia that evening (once he got the medical equipment we had sent and was needed urgently), and it must have been too much and he just lost it. "What do you mean the weather? Why can't you tell me where the package is? I've been driving around all day! I'm going to lose this customer
because of you! If you can't locate my package (he's screaming now) RIGHT NOW, I'm going to take my business elsewhere!" Then, he hung up on me. I was dumbfounded.

I just sat there a minute and tried to imagine if I could have done something differently. Nope. Even as my stomach was turning, I knew, until he returned to a rational place, there was nothing
I could say to help him.

You know, my son has a saying he uses to calm others down. He says,, "Chi--lax!" He heard it on tv and means Chill and Relax. It's the word I wanted to scream at this man, but since that would probably make me looks as unstable as he right then, I instead took a breath and reminded myself that he wasn't the only one being tested that day. Everything happens for a reason...

A week has gone by and guess who called today? Yep, my friend, the hothead. I actually answered the phone and he said, "Renee? Is this Renee?" I knew his voice instantly and I said
(with some hesitation) "Yes it is, Bob. How are you?" "Well, I'm a lot better. I'm calling to apologize actually. I've been thinking about you for a week now and..."

We had a nice talk and I appreciated his apology. Told him so too. Says he has a five month old daughter and my guess is he is conscientious and loving father. It is those that care, those that want to get it right, that I find are the most in need of my son's clever word, Chi-lax. Those kind also, are the ones that have to figure that out for themselves...

Oreo's...

Juan came home late last night from a scouting event and I was already in bed but still up watching some tv.  He peeked his head around the corner and said,  "I stopped at the store on the way home.  I got those cookies you like."  Cookies?  That could have been only one of two--Chips A' Hoy or Oreo's.  "I got BOTH."  I laughed.  Great.  Chips A' Hoy, for some reason, I can only eat in the morning with a tall glass of milk.  This is not a hard one for me.  They are not appealing at any other time of day.  But Oreo's?  Not so much.  I can, without exaggerating, sit down and eat an entire package, even on a full stomach.  My friend, Elizabeth, recommended the peppermint kind they only sell at Trader Joe's during the holidays, but I knew I couldn't try them, because I would instantly love them and then crave them all year long.  In fact, I don't buy the regular kind at all because of the craving.  Well, I didn't until about a month ago.  I brought them home for Christmas break for "something fun we hadn't had in a long time", truly believing I could have a few and be done.   Bad idea.  Now we are both buying them.  Ugh!  

Yummy, sweet and good, but still, Ugh!  I turned off the tv and smiled as I promised myself I'd only eat a few tomorrow, later in the day, after I'd had a healthy breakfast and lunch.  Then, I woke up.  I was going down to the kitchen when I looked over and there they were, at the top of the stairs, waiting to be returned to the kitchen. Apparently, Juan unlike me, had no qualms about eating this sugary snack at midnight.  I opened the package and there they were, chocolatey hard cookies with a creamy center. Hmmm...  maybe I'll skip the Chips A' Hoy and have just a FEW of these sinfully good snacks.  I would never let my kids eat this kind of breakfast but, hey, I'm past my "your growing and you need nutrients" years.   Although, my double-cookie-chin might argue otherwise.  Ah well, you only live once and today I had my dessert first.  I filled my with cheeks with my Oreo's, then I kissed Juan for bringing me my Oreo's, and then, after swallowing  my Oreo's, promised my body, "I'll have a good salad for lunch AFTER my Oreo's!"  

Shattered Hearts...

It's quiet here tonight. We have just completed our first busy day back in the real world. It was a good, productive kind of busy that often comes after one has taken a very enjoyable, very long time of relaxation. In fact, our stay-cation turned out to be just the thing we needed. We spend much too much time worrying. Wasted moments, we'll never get back, and for what? WE aren't in charge. I keep reminding myself to hand the big worries over to my Heavenly Father. lately, I hear my mom saying over and over again, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Most of this daily stuff is just trivial nonsense ya know?

I went in just about an hour ago and I once again breathed a deep sigh of relief. My babies were sleeping deeply, contentedly, and peacefully. I love sleeping babies, children. They look so much younger in their slumber. They grow much too quickly, and if only for that quick moment each night, when they are lost in the land of Peter Pan, we can hope they will be children always. After I kissed each one lightly on the cheek, I tucked dangling legs back under comforters, and pulled up blankets that had been pushed aside. I then reached over to shut the shutters, as I do every night. Through the slats, I noticed across the way, some holiday twinkle lights still flickering red, green, orange and blue. All our "stuff" as you know, is packed away again for another year, but I smiled at this hold-out living on the street just behind us, spreading the cheer, into another year. Good for them. I stood there for a moment, falling under the spell of those pretty colors and before I knew it, I found myself being drawn into them and lost in thought...

My thoughts tonight are of somewhere outside our little world here though. We're not news watchers but were are not ignorant of the daily events outside our city limits either. Tonight, it was heartache and tragedy on my mind. I was pulled back instantly to an afternoon nearly 15 years ago. I was sitting in the Lucille Ball Bldg on the Paramount Studios lot. I was working in the offices that had once been the offices of Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball. But by then, Lucy was long gone and now they were filled with the writers from the sitcom, Cheers. New generations aren't clued into this huge hit from my 20's but anyone over 30 can probably tell you a bit about it (and, if you don't blink, you can see my name in the credits at the end). Anyway, I was hired during the Kirstie Alley years and celebrities were always popping in to visit someone on the set, or simply to sit and watch it being filmed. It was a very cool gig.

On this particular day though, the stage was dark but the writers were still there working on a new script. I, with my entry level and very important title, was answering the phones. It felt a lot like tonight though that afternoon. Very quiet. I was lost in thought, reading our latest script, when I heard an almost familiar voice say, "Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Kirstie Alley's office?" I looked up and saw the bluest blue eyes smiling back at me. They were friendly and just a little bit hesitant. I knew instantly, it was John Travolta. Out of all the offices he chose to walk into, he picked mine! John Travolta! Thankfully, being star-struck isn't something I have ever come easily to though so I had no problem responding, "Sure", and then after a moment of brilliance I said, , "Actually, I'll show you where it is!" As I popped up and walked over to him he said, "Great! Thanks!" and we were off....

It was literally, "It's right here behind the stage--see that door right there?" and "Yes, thank you...?" "Renee". He smiled another sweet, sincere smile and said, "Thank you, Renee. You've been very helpful" and then it was over. I watched him knock and open her office door and then he was gone. But I have never forgot his essence. It was Truth. When he looked at you, he saw you. Even if you were just the girl answering the phones. He was polite and charming, and I was forever a fan. I can tell you right now, as I stood there tonight, looking out the bedroom window at those pretty twinkle lights on our peaceful, seemingly uneventful street, and then back at my own sleeping loves, I thought of this kind man that will never spend another Christmas with his boy. His beloved boy. I remembered that kind man then, and then I thought of the man all over the news tonight, all those photographs filled with this boy, this son, this child they loved, still love, and my heart just ached for him.

There were many things I learned up there in the land of make-believe but more than anything

else, I learned dollar signs and academy awards cannot prevent you from the incredible pain of the real world. Life happens every day, sometimes in small insignificant ways we can bounce back from, and then other times, it shatters us down to our souls. Three nights ago, this kind, good hearted man, his wife and little girl lost their loved one at just 16 years old, and it brought me to tears. We've all been casualties of pain at one point or another, but there can be nothing like the devastation and complete heartbreak of losing a child. Children just are not meant to go before their parents, and when they do it must leave them questioning their entire belief system.

I know as a Scientologist he believes in God, a higher power. For me, as a Christian, I believe in God as well. I also believe in the power of prayer. Tonight, I will pray for his family. I don't know if others believe it will make a difference, but for me, it means he will be comforted in his infinite pain. I will ask God to bless the Travolta's, and help them find a way to go on with their lives, and maybe someday, they will be able to remember their time with him, and smile, in celebration of the life he did live, the way they did when he was here. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of them.... God Bless

Tradition, and Too Much...

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2008 was all you hoped it would be. Funny how every time January 1 rolls around so many of us give pause to reflect on months recently past. Then, without hesitation, we roll right into resolution mode for 2009. I, myself, am no different than most, except that I NEVER resolve to do any ONE thing specifically different. For me, it is the bigger picture I am always looking at. What was the overall feeling of the year for me, for our family, the environment at work? In 2008, the answer was exhaustion and resistance.

I never felt I/we as a family had enough time, enough laughter, enough help, or enough of those wonderful spontaneous moments of love. Too much was missing. In the past, I have found if I try to micro-manage these issues I won't find success. Diets, for example, never work for me. I haven't been on a single one in my life because I know I would set myself up for failure--if I feel healthy then I am healthy. If I am feeling sluggish and tired, then the problem is bigger than just what I am eating. I always look at the bigger picture. So, this year, I am looking to mimimize my expectations for each day I am granted. I want to resonate PEACE and hopefully peace will come my way, my families way, and the way of our company. What a blessing that would be! I'll let ya know next time this year how it goes!

With the state of the economy right now, it would be no surprise to say, we intend to do as everyone is doing right now, cut back. As I was approaching hour three of putting away the Christmas decorations, it hit me (and my aching back!) we have A LOT of decorations! You know, we haul these things out every year and then back into the garage again every new year. Juan opted out on hanging the outside lights except for a token string around the garage door. The kids were a little bummed but I was okay with it, and, he got a few more hours of rest he really needed during his week off. As I was packing up bin after bin, I was reminded how much I really like decorations but it is the sentimental ones that I will continue to treasure and hold on to. All the rest, I may toss. I used to buy something new every year but I think those days are over. I went and got my camera and snapped some pix of the ones I truly love, just in case some day they aren't here anymore.

The angel, my aunt Nena just sent me this year. She said she had her for decades and is now passing her on to me. Isn't she lovely? The green plate with a Christmas verse written on it

was given to us by my sister, Tanya, shortly before she passed away. Tanya gave each of us a different verse from the story, Twas the Night Before Christmas, each written in her own handwriting. She was only 24 when she made them, and she knew she was giving us a gift that would continue to give. I love it. My kids have their own trees in their rooms, Niko, my little drummer boy, has a cool blue tree filled with silver drums, topped with a skateobarder ornament given to him by his friend Brendan. My girly-girl, Lauren, has a bright pink feather tree with fun brightly colored ornaments. In the kitchen, we have a family tree where ornaments from around the world hang, representing places we've been. It is also covered with lots of history--fun, sentimental ornaments given to us, or ones they have made. To the left of the tree is Santa and his sleigh that is Niko's favorite, and the right is the crystal Nativity that is Lauren's favorite. Out in the foyer is my Winter slowglobe collection and Juan's favorite frosty!

And, all around the house are photos we keep in the holiday boxes to pull out every year of Christmas's past.

On the front door, is a wreath that has greeted our guests every year when we have our children's school friends over for our fun Christmas party, and, entwined throughout it all are decorations from my grandmother. Every year she gave us some kind of festive decoration because she knew how much I loved this time of year. I smile and say, "Thanks, Gram. Merry Christmas" every year when I put them out and without fail, I ache to share just one more cold winters night talking with her and my gramps in their Tennessee living room. My favorite, is the embroidered piece I hang on the wall that she sent me a long time ago. It was stitched by my biological mother when I was a child (sorry-couldn't get this picture to attach!).

Tradition: My mom's baked breads and my dad's oyster pudding. Opening one gift on Christmas eve, and hanging all the beautiful cards we received throughout the month. Honey-baked Ham and devilled eggs--YUM! Being surrounded by generations of family and knowing Christmas isn't just for children. Most importantly, knowing the real Reason for the Season.

Too much can be a good thing if it comes in the right packages...may each of you have too much love, too much tradition, too much time, too much help, too much laughter, too much fun, and may all THAT bring each of you too much PEACE in the year to come and truly a HAPPY NEW YEAR!